Please forgive me. I will pay for your emergency room visit.
I woke up with a black eye and dim memories of announcing that i had super powers. I shoved my pockets full of canned tuna and tried to jump off the balcony. And then my boyfriend called the cops.
so you're not coming in to work today?
I just made a milkshake without a blender... thats determination
they said they heard you say put it in my butt
Did you know even strippers have to have GED's these days??
Street performer on bourbon st just lifted a sewer top so I could puke down it. I love New Orleans.
I'm sorry. I think I have multiple personalities. Or it was the acid. Either way. I'm sorry.
I'm sorry I dragged a dildo (on a leash) into your room last night.
Just reduced mom to tears when she realized I wasn't kidding about hating kids. She's crying about never being a gma. Now would be the time to tell her about the girl you knocked up. You're welcome.
at the end of the day, college isnt gonna be for everyone... and some of us are just going to have to learn how to breathe underwater while sucking cock.
i tied my phone to a string attached to my bra. i am NOT losing it tonight
What have I told you about trying to use Jesus as your wingman?!
I will feel awake by 6 pm
Are we not meeting until 6?
No I'm just saying thats usually when my body knows it's time to party
She threw my purse across the room almost broke a lamp and this all started bc she forgot what an air mattress was
Can I use your boat
Also, what’s the deal with international water? Do they have signs out there like a city does or do I need a map?
WTH is going on? It’s the middle of the night
Randomize
