I wish Morgan Freeman narrated my life.
let's just say, the carpet matched the drapes. in colour and length.
I brought my laptop into the bathroom so I can facebook while vomiting. New low?
Thanks for feeding me more tequila shots to prevent me from trying to fight her last night. Horrible logic? Yes, but you are the best friend ever
while cleaning my room, i've found many wonderful things. one of these is the card you gave me for my eighteenth birthday. it's a christmas card that says "i want to stick it in your sponger"
The size of her vagina has nothing to do with the size of her heart bro
I just ate four packages of Swiss Rolls. Being high and on food stamps is AHmazing.
It's not a good night until someone eats a bagel covered in face mask thinking it's cream cheese
who is that guy in your bed? he looks like jesus..way to keep it festive
okay, but you can't tell anyone. Every time he instagrams something with the caption "avocado," it means he's booty calling me. Happy?
I wish drunk me came with subtitles
Vibrator fell off the top of the dresser and hit me. This might be the most embarrassing black eye incident ever
I've peed in two sinks in the past two weeks. No one should be able to say that.
Last night I tried to apply for a job at ihop. That drunk.
Its like Gods punishment for wanting to party
Randomize
