i effing cant stand that stupid soul the new way to roll hamster commercial. everyone im with is laughing and now hate them all.
That girl gave me her number because you were arrested. I am so proud of you dude.
I'm a big fan of your penis but I will not sit through an animated movie dedicated to it.
this is not the first time I've had hot dogs and 151 for thanksgiving.
Woke up next to a tiki torch spooning a plastic flamingo on a welcome mat i've never seen before with a "happy valentines day" balloon tied to my wrist, oh yeah and "i am a cougar" is written on my chest in sharpee and all the kitchen furniture is upside down...
And don't worry, my exact words were "I can't believe a baby came outta that thing"
Who needs sounds of the ocean? I just fall asleep to whatever chubby he is banging next door.
You fucked that MILF against my car!
How would you know?
She scratched her name into my window with her bigass wedding ring. btw she wants you to call her
I just woke up ass naked on top of all my sheets, with no blinds in my room because i used them as togas, my back is killing me, im covered in sharpie, i have no memory of last night, and im pretty sure im still drunk. I consider the night a success
WHAT IF I SAT OUTSIDE AND STARTED SCREAMING THE LYRICS TO O CANADA WOULD THAT FIX IT
PLEASE DON'T
I just fell down my stairs, guess that's how my sunday is gonna go
I TOOK A FINGER IN THE BUTT YOU CAN OPEN THIS MESSAGE
I was lying I actually don't, I hope a reindeer shitted in her bed
Last thing googled on my laptop last night was vagina chaffing. What the fuck?
Also you think METH is on the same level of wanting to see the movie cats? We’re gonna unpack that later
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