Dear everyone that texted me last night wondering where i was. i ended up face down blacked up drunk before i made it to the party. My bad
I served up a girl her first a2m the other day. You would have been proud.
i sleep in a fine layer of vodka and semen. i don't know that that would appropriate for a pajama rally.
i just found my sim card.....i hid it in my tylenol bottle....i guess to ensure i would find it mid-hangover
Chicago was legit, ate some badass pizza and gave a cig to a crackhead..its all i thought it would be
last night this guy was hitting on me by showing me the famous people he had in his contacts on his cell... when he asked me if i knew lindsay lohan, i said "whose that? sounds asian"
We lost the cork forthe wine, so we used a tampon as a replacement. I never loves tampons so much
Sunscreen. In my vag. I hate summer sex.
Apparently while trying to get up from vomiting in the toilet I grabbed the seat cover for leverage and smashed my own head between it and the bowl. I don't remember this.
I asked him how his night was and he sent me a picture of a bottle of Ciroc with a bendy straw...
I can't wait till we are old and wrinkly and I can turn to you and ask, "Remember when you Rick Jamesed the shit out of that couch??"
So your bra was hanging in the Christmas tree last night at some point I think
Omg. I'm making you a chocolate and "herb" birthday cake and using joints for candles. I'm gunna need moms help with this!
I couldn't break up with him while I was wearing a Hakuna Matata shirt.
Hey can you explain why there's a dissected coconut in my purse????
Randomize
