Hotel room at 3 am. She's 42. Stockings and heels. All because I opened with a joke about cougar hunting. We'll high-five later.
As I was going down on her I noticed she had a tatoo on her inner thigh that said "Eat it like your birthday cake".
he convinced the breakfast vendor to melt twix bars on bacon for me at 4am. he slurred every word. i think i found my prince charming.
Had to make a piece of abstract art. Your dick is in it
Upside of a two-day migraine: thanks to a prominent "E" in the middle of every pill, I think we can totally pass off Excedrine Migraine as ecstasy to stupid, drunk freshman. This is totally going to happen. That entrepreneurship course is paying off.
I want to hold her baby but I'm afraid I'll give it a contact buzz
I'm drinking and throwing an enormous tennis ball at children. I couldn't be happier.
You said you were going inside to sober up and then you poured yourself a wine glass of warm gin
I'm more concerned with the fact that he was UNconcerned that live poultry could peck him in the nutsack @ any moment of sex
You know what's soul crushing? Walking to subway and find out you were too drunk to put on shoes and being denied service.
Um. I literally have no words.
I thought 4 percs were too many but I'm dumping Gogurt on apple pie and taking giant bong rips. This feels right.
Drinking, I should not. Got here I don't know. Still drunk, I am. At courtneys.
I watched her follow him out of the bar, chase him around the corner and literally throat punch him. It was awesome.
So I definitely fucked a guy while holding on to his pigtails like reigns last night.
The most literal cowgirl position ever.
And, by “make you dinner” I mean “have lots of sex and multiple orgasms.” So you should probably eat something and before you come over
And hydrate too
Randomize
