The worst thing about having a parent with a prius is that they can walk in on you without any warning
just skyped with my friend to listen in on the people talking shit about me in the library. creepy or strategic?
His apartment number was 69. I had to.
We were debating whether rain water is clean enough to drink. I won when he started throwing up.
i admit it was a weird experience, but why regret what once made you cum
I JUST MACED MY OWN FACE
This is by far the best text I have ever woken up to.
I'm glad they extended train service last night. People crying, screaming, throwing up, fighting and peeing themselves on a train made me feel like I've got my shit together.
I fucked her wearing an American flag. Now here I am, awake, naked, and flag less. How do I report this to the police?
wtf... you literally introduced yourself as "that friend who's going to fuck all your other friends."
I hope you know that means regardless of their gender.
I got to my internship late... with a bag of chipotle and sex hair.
Fell asleep on kitchen floor again, chicken nuggets everywhere.
I WANT TO JUMP IN TO A VOLCANO
There is a guy down by the river wearing a zebra print speedo and a sombrero, with a beer in each hand, screaming "This is America bitches!"
I miss all the tiny banana hammocks... When can I go back to ogling? I can do it from a lot farther than six feet without any complaints.
I woke up while she was taking a panoramic photo of my morning wood
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