I am going to invent a chocolate mix for sperm.
Nah, lets use your guy, my drug dealer is going all pineapple express on me
Everything smells like syrup. But I guess that's better than last time when everything smelled like beer.
The voicemail says i shouldn't bother ever showing my face there again, i don't understand
We visited your boss last night. guess you wont be paying the rent this month, eh?
I can't believe I had to convince you to not drink butter.
You stuck your entire fist into a full jar of peanut butter and starting assaulting people
So my mind was like YOU ARE TOTALLY GONNA MAKE IT TO CLASS TODAY but then my body was all LOL NO YOU AIN'T.
It's definitively the wine. Every time I can drink and work I feel like I win at the game of life.
Remind me in the morning that I've now seen a guy do crack. That actually happened. I'm at the wrong party.
Oh my fucking god how fucking embarrassing never again will I mix drugs at a family barbecue
If there is a ladylike way to throw up in your favorite toilet, I just did it.
Also this guy in my contact as hairy jerry sent me a pic of him shirtless and said I miss you and I have no idea who he is /when or if I met him but that's not normal?!
I just said "I love my cat" as a hobby.
We're going to get naked and build a fort instead. HAPPY NEW YEAR!
My cats name is now jello shot. How much do you love me right now?
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