i cant remember past the part when we filled his tub with skittles.
You do realize it's a Tuesday, right?
You do realize I stopped giving a fuck about calendars when I was 10, right? And besides, it could be the best Tuesday of your life.
I just discovered the Reese's pieces and sourdough bread sandwich. No signs of coming down.
The two guys from next door helped him do a backflip. The ended up throwing him halfway through a ceiling tile. Don't worry, we fixed it with duct tape.
Tried to steal a keytar from my hook up's house.
I have a huge gash on my chin. Did I get it from A) a mini siezure; B) an oral sex incident; C) Slamming it into a ledge or; D) all of the above?
I have a test in the morning in sign language about signs for drugs and alcohol use. Im drunk and rolling a blunt. I've never felt so confident about a grade in my life.
Boats looked like robot pelicans and time was slow and now im on wipe out
I can't even properly respond cuz I'm ballsdeep in falafel
I'm definitely not at Wal-Mart eating jalapeno poppers with an elevated blood alcohol content
It's Friday the 13th and you just got boned by a guy named Jason....
He was like, I wanna take it slow. I took off my bra And I was like, either we have sex now or you get out.
I used an explanation of Walking Marriages in the Mosuo Culture to successfully negotiate an open relationship. That Anthropology degree is finally starting to pay off.
He deserves a nobel prize for his dick-giving abilities. 10/10, would ride again.
I can’t believe you’re letting her use the Mercedes
It seemed like a better idea while she was giving me a hand job. It’s a good thing we weren’t having sex. Who knows what I would agree to during sex
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