The one night I bring a girl home you leave the footloose soundtrack playing.
I am in the checkout line at the dollar store and there is a guy in front of me holding a pregnancy test, a chocolate bar, and fake roses. Champion.
hearing that almost makes me feel good about peeing on the coffee table
I remember her trying to talk to me a few times after we broke up and I'd always change the subject to bagels.
THAT WAS PROBABLY MY ONE CHANCE TO SLEEP WITH A MAN NAMED BORIS AND YOU RUINED IT.
Listening to Whitney Houston sing the National Anthem while I shit before going out tonight. America.
I just want you to know that I think it is hilarious and wonderful that 40s are now your alcohol of choice.
Okay... I just said "preach it" to the pokemon theme song. I'm hammered.
I still have a little drunk in my system
this isn't the first time i woke up with peanut butter in my butt
I can't believe I haven't fucked an Elvis impersonator yet.
My hookup from last weekend apparently got arrested today... his roommate just tagged me on facebook asking for bail money.
He kept referring to my giving him head as a new level in our relationship and acting sentimental
You gave him a bj, not a kidney
i don't care if you are my best friend. does not give you the right to describe how well my sister gives blowjobs.
how about your cousin?
our moms work together...I can just see the conversation now, hey your daughter ruined my sons marriage, that's probably how it will start.
Randomize