It's 10am, I'm at grocery store buying booze b/c the bf just told me that he didn't "technically" break up with his ex.
i killed an earwig and left its corpse on the wall as a warning
We were playing flip cup on the nice dining room table. Losing team had to shamwow the table in between rounds
I know it's not your turn to do the dishes, but since they're covered in your puke, it is.
Need to stop getting stoned with this chick, I keep waking up covered in pizza sauce
This dude was wearing a "Plan B- One Step" backpack. I wonder how many more I have to buy until I get mine??
underwater hpnotiq shots? sure why not.
i got a standing ovation for bringing skittles to the party
He's texting from midnight mass asking for nude pics. Baby Jesus is spinning in his manger as we speak
You chugged 6 beers in a row and then outed your boss at a party last night.
I'm so lazy and tired i just want to cry and fall asleep in a bed of egg mcmuffins.
I just ate your leftovers whilst watching Garfield and Friends. Thank you across the board.
Please don't explain what tea bagging is to my mother.
and please, if you feel the urge to call me crying tomorrow night, do so. i will be home bored and sober.
You whispered 'For Frodo', handed me your shirt, and charged campus security.
Randomize
