I accidentally burped into my bong.
so i told him i still liked him. he laughed
well, your crazy. what did you expect?
I did not just catch my dad watching porn.I did not just catch my dad watching porn. I did not just catch my dad watching porn.I did not just catch my dad watching porn. I did not just catch my dad watching porn. I did not just catch my dad watching porn. I did not just catch my dad watching porn.
How are you feeling today?
i could've thrown up on command at any point today...
I managed to convince him it was his fault I cheated on him...he spent the last 40 minutes going down on me. I feel legendary.
I deserve like a purple heart or something. I just made it all the way drunk through my 2 story house without making a sound. While carrying a trombone.
Yeah, he has a kid now! Shit... You know you're all grown up when the people you used to have threesomes with become parents
Well, that now makes it the 4th girlfriend in a row to cheat on me. I don't even care anymore...I'll date a prostitute and not even worry.
I just want to let you know how hung over I am today and I fucked a girl in a kangaroo costume last night.
I asked you if you wanted to go to the ER, have me sew it up or just wrap it in duct tape and keep on keepin on. You just said YES. I remember very little after that.
You're a good friend.
Lol, you asked the waitress to box up someone else's discarded food last night
Did you just email Kelly and I gay dinosaur erotica?
I need someone to sew my vagina shut until I'm responsible enough to use it
It's gonna be me and some oreos tonight. Basically like sex
If he’s halfway attractive, employed and cool with me having boytoys, I’ll marry him
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