My workout was carrying 2 cases home from the grocery. It's Bowl Week.
I just spent the past twenty minutes checking out a girl who turned out to be a mannequin. I need AA.
It was great. Even bought me breakfast in the AM
From?
Well, he didn't exactly take me out, but left a $20 on the table...
First day at work... I clogged up the office toilet on purpose to assert my dominance.
basically at this point ill snort whatever you put in front of me and just hope
Tell him next time im gonna be "disgrace to the family" drunk
It's called the eyeliner-blowjob correlation, read a science book bro
I now have a GPA requirement for guys I hookup with more than once.
Actually it's really just going to be me drunk in your living room swinging from a pole on a tuesday morning.
It's been a long time since I got "Talk about Glen's enormous penis" drunk
If you hear a sad honk in the wind it is me.
We need to make boob twerking a thing. I feel like that's why vine was invented
Idk how I even got accepted into college because literally the only things my brain ever thinks about are YouTube videos of baby animals and sex.
Im pretty sure breakfast wine is a thing, and if it isn't, I just invented it
I got sriracha sauce on my mask while I was eating fast food, now wearing it makes me hungry
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