y did u give ur computer a hand job?
Did we have sex last night?
I think that was the general idea until I got you undressed and you puked on me.
A piece of cheeseburger just fell between my tits. Consider this a "wish you were here" postcard.
let's get a trip to cabo together for next spring... they have to have forgotten about me by now
She said she liked strap-ons.
SHE WAS TALKING ABOUT SHOES, YOU ASSHOLE! YOU'RE THE WORST WINGMAN EVER!
Yea I saw a friend of yours carrying your limp body somewhere
WHEN DID YOU SAY YOU COME BACK BC I GOT INVITED TO A KEG WAR PARTY
I think this agreement was sent by God. I get to do my own thing, get laid, and he still makes me breakfast in the morning.
I'm more worried that you thought licking a pole on Bourbon street would turn me on
It is a bad day indeed when you learn that your boy toy looks better in your dresses than you do
Smoked a blunt with my dad then introduced him to cinnabon delights. Today was a good day.
7% of guys ive been with can get me off... I did the math!
Literally breaking up to my boyfriend while jamming out to Feraglicious
It's all part of my master plan: have him buy me all I can eat pizza and all I can drink beer AND THEN tell him there was no spark and we're better off as friends.
He obv doesn't know that telling a woman to chill will get him murdered
Randomize
