We're friends. And when I drunkenly send u a pic of my left testicle i would appreciate a response.
I came home drunk to my night light on and a Hershey's bar on my bed. Mom knows me too well.
You insisted we put glow sticks on you so that we didn't lose you if you went pee in the dark.
My only downfall is that I can only take shots in twos.
You would be too ashamed to ever love me again if you saw the filth I just created. It brings unspeakable dishonor to the nacho dynasty. Like I raped the king's daughter, cut off her hands and made him eat them that's how hard I fucked up nachos.
I'm not taking advise from someone who responded to the pickup line "I have a penis"
The best part of tonight is drunk commenting on my moms pic about how birds just want to give you diseases and pluck out your eyes
You know you gotta reevaluate your life when the first thought that comes to mind after you wake up is 'at least I'm still alive'
I feel like if tampons weren't meant to be microwaved, they'd have a warning on the box, so we should be okay...
I don't know what happened. His phone, shirt, shoes, and the condom wrapper are here but he isn't. I don't even know how to get a hold of him right now
There are two guys dressed like Spartans from 300 at this bar and they're making out and I needed you to know this
My boobs are numb because I've been using them as stress balls
Sounds like either a very good Friday night or a very bad Saturday morning.
I just made mac at 3:10 am... My life is falling apart...
He's the one named Andrew. In his profile picture he is the one on the right in the monkey costume.
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