Also, i'm pretty sure i've had my birth control pill stuck in my throat since like...two pm. So i'll be practicing safe oral sex tonight.
I miss having pregnancy scares ....at least i knew i was having a good time
Remember me drinking the vodka from in between your legs?
You really realize what your life's become when you're sitting alone in the house crying in a santa hat and pjs getting stoned on christmas eve before noon.
Can you please reassure him im not a scary or intimidating person? And that really my entire life is a series of completely ridiculous events that have led me here?
We decided to make playlists for each other. Do you know any songs that say "sorry I'm not as hot as your prostitute ex?"
The ketchup exploded, and totally splooged his face and the wall. You could see the outline of his head in the wall splatter.
Your dick is going to fall off. Be careful or you'll get callouses. A workingman's dick.
I'm eating hummus off of my stomach right now.
He's a real gentleman. At least he tried to flush my closet's handle after he pissed in it.
I knew I was in for a long night after I filled the empty pinata carcass with beer, bit off the top of one of it's legs and used it as a beer bong.
I continue to impress myself. Also I'm probably pregnant
Y'all let us switch shirts in the middle of 200 people....why did you let me get this drunk by noon?
I got subtly pornographic with a lollipop while we were talking and he got flustered and started to blush. If he’s not interested after that I need to turn in my vagina card.
ugh my stomach is so upset-- didn't get a chance to take a violent enough hangover shit at work
Randomize
