There really should be an "avoid ghetto" option on my GPS.
as i creep her facebook pics from back in the day till now, i noticed that her lazy eye has gotten better
Dude, its flawless. what could go wrong?
Jail. That could go wrong.
google maps should a have a setting for this. like I AM ABANDONING EVERYTHING TO MEET A GIRL WHO IS 10 HOURS OF MILES AWAY. HOW DO WE DO THIS OPTIMALLY?
Whiskey and an unstable home life is apparently the fountain that 20-something boys like to drink from.
I gave the bathroom attendant $5 last night for turning the sink on for me. What. The. Fuck.
Hey start looking around for a low rider Subaru. Well get a loan. It will be capital for our first music video.
Sex and sushi don't even sound good right now... I might be on my death bed. To my Liz, I leave my extensive movie collection and my drinking supplies. To Olive I leave my car. Cause every Scottish terrier needs a 2010 Camaro.
He stumbled in drunk at 7am, while we were getting ready for work. He poured a bowl of Cap'n Crunch, poured Jack Daniels on it., and said he was having "Captain Jack" for breakfast. I don't know how he's alive and employed. I hope the Cap'n calls in sick for him today.
My fucking earlobe is bruised what the hell
'valentine' just autocorrected to 'cake robe' in my phone
I think that summarizes my life up pretty accurately
I don't want his dick, I want his flame thrower!!
The drive thru lady at McDonald's asked how I was and I responded by opening the car door and throwing up all over the drive thru lane. Happy Sunday.
He is a real estate investor who’s face I’m going to sit on.
Just in case you forgot, you puked all over your boss house, pissed on his coffee table, and were then thrown out by his wife
Randomize
