the amount of blow i got, New years should last a week.
I somehow fell asleep on my kitchen counter using the microwave as a pillow
No matter what you may say to me. You will still be the guy that managed to get his own cum in his hair.
you're surprised the chick that fucked you for a free cup has herpes. i don't feel bad for you.
I researched the whole pregnancy breast feeding with piercings. I think you dont have to worry about the trifecta milk spraying thing.
I think my vagina is phsycic. All day it tingled and then BAM Channing Tatums look alike fucks me like ive never been fucked in my life.
I'm gonna tie him up and fart in that pathetic excuse for a mustache
He ate shrooms at 9:30, said, "see you later," and left. I am alone on New Years.
He realized that I was watching deadliest catch while we were jerkin off on FaceTime.
Got with someone dressed up as Allen from the hangover so that's where I'm at in life
The ONLY reason I am doing laundry is because all my sweatpants are dirty.
In other news my pubic hair is covered in glitter.
His dick is a spiritual experience and meditation is very important to me.
I wrote notes to myself all over my body. "don't yell at cops again" "Cody stole your phone" "you kissed Cody" "vodka shots are bad for your liver" and "cactus pretty" WTF????
And somehow in between all the vomitting you managed to mumble "Well this is attractive!" And I swear that's when I fell in love. Best. First. Date. Ever!
Randomize
