i just bought ciggarettes using my court citation as id. I've reached an all time low.
So I just introduced myself to this guy in front of me and now he's saving my pictures on facebook to his phone..
Woke up in an unfamiliar basement in a sleeping bag with Matt to a police officer shining his flashlight in my eyes and asking me my birth date and social security number. My morning went swimmingly.
yeah, and then after the convo was clearly over, my dad decides to scream "SIZE MATTERS" just to make things even more uncomfortable.
I just can't bring boyfriends home.
yeah i fucked her in the storage room on the inflatable mattress. i don't know if i should feel proud for me or bad for her.
Well, I just hope you know I had your best interests at heart when I put your sandwich down my pants.
I'd say the best part of the party was when you screamed to everyone that you were gettin dome on the reg
It was weird. Like "Mom, Dad, here's a guy who knows my orgasm face".
Haha never eat brownies from a guy with batman pajamas
WELL THEN WHAT DAY IS IT?!?! This whole having to choose between ruining my future and ruining my liver is totally killing my vibe
I just watched an intern spill two trays of coffee inside a spinning door
Best exit from a building ever
Well I got black out drunk before the rehearsal dinner and berated my family with insults. But other then that it was a good time
Going to give your dick a friendship bracelet.
Okay. So did I kiss you last night? I know that I made out with someone. Or a few someones. But I'm pretty sure that I made out with you. Was that real life?
When I get off work and you're not around to hang out with all I do is lay around in my underwear and eat potatoes.
Randomize
