dude, you're being a jerk.
sorry, didn't mean to pull a Cheney
I just spent the past twenty minutes checking out a girl who turned out to be a mannequin. I need AA.
I don't even know. I woke up to a text from someone named Vick saying he was 'legit worried' that I had herpes.
I love my boobs, they're the only thing that supports me. They make me a solid 6.
Got a blowie from her in the cab on the way home. Made awkward eye contact with the cabbie who said, and I quote "Keep the mess in her mouth bro", I did so only out of respect
So I come home yesterday and my brother is like "watch this" and it turns out he's been retraining my dog to come running when u say "anal"
The saddest thing about graduating is that we won't have free access to STI screening anymore
I bet the guy on the treadmill next to me with the noise-canceling headphones wishes he could trade them for smell-canceling noseplugs. Hard to believe that last one did not involve any pants-shitting on my part.
There is a doctor sitting next to me at lunch talking about the engorged scrotum surgery he did this morning and I am about to lose my professional grown adult facade.
I haven't even had my coffee yet and you're being slutastic
We power houred with shots of red wine. Somehow we ended up with 7 bottles and lost Chris. Trying to find him this hungover is proving very unsuccessful.
So I've already made 5 bad decisions today, wyd?
I gave her the last ten dollars to my name and bitch comes back with a six pack of bud light and a pack of sour patch kids
Found your bra in my backseat. And yes it took me that long to finally clean it out from last weekend
Didn't even know it was missing, if that makes you feel any better
I just want to get high and watch Dr. Pimple Popper.
Randomize
