The second he texted me with "*dry humps you!*" I knew any relationship we might have had was over.
I knew my chances of getting laid had increased after she walked into my room and yelled "DICK TIME"
it's official, after last weekend my girl number is higher than my guy number. fix this.
we just finished a porn and sex toy shopping spree. this is the fun part of "being serious"
my greatest accomplishment from the city of diplomacy is that i puked at a table of 5 diplomats and my professor and NONE OF THEM NOTICED
there are teeth marks in the soap. why are there teeth marks in the soap.
I'm in the "I'd rather have Carbs than Dick phase" part of my Life right now. YOU tell me how much Skinny Sex I'm having.
All I remember from the concert was leaving in an RV full of middle aged people playing circle of death
its one thing to be single and another thing to be single and then have your profile picture be of you and the cat
your picture is with misty too!!
I AM SINGLE BY CHOICE
I built a fence. For the bunnies we're going to adopt. I'll fill you in when you get home.
Boobs are out for the taking
Awkward drunk fist bump with the boss. Not sure if tomorrow will be weird or wonderful.
The perfect man would keep a whisky sour in my hand and give me endless sex. I really don't think that's too much to ask for.
*6am blends another margarita* *615am blends straight tequila*
Do you think he’ll fall in love with me if I tell him I have a nickname for his penis
Randomize
