I just found out that my father was a Human condom for halloween when I was 4. And to think I used to wonder where my sense of humor came from.
then you put baby powder on the bottom of your feet and walked to your room so "ladies would follow the footprints"
FYI the landlord called, said we need to clean the puke off the side of the house...was someone on the roof lastnight??
You know you're fucked up when you throw your phone on the roof of the bar to show how good the Otter Box works.
I'd rather just be alone, than deal with this bullshit. I just want to be alone. Cats and vibrators never let you down.
I tried to convince the Lobo Card people to take my pic with my sunglasses on because I will probably always be this hungover.
I misunderstood what a furry was. Come pick me up.
Imagine Captain Hook, but in penis form and sometimes shy.
its weird that my cat bites every fat chick i bring home. i repeat every fat chick, qhT KINDA FRIEND ARE YOU
Just because the energy drink is shaped like a grenade doesnt make it cool to throw it and yell "BOOM" and break my flatscreen, asshole
If you can't have hot, loud sex in a dorm for the last time ever, what can you do in this world?
THERE IS A VERY SMALL CHILD YELLING OUTSIDE OF MY DOOR. THE NEXT TIME YOU TELL ME YOUR TOO BIG FOR A CONDOM I'M GOING TO PUNCH YOU IN THE DICK.
I don't WANT a sex disease! Especially one assigned to me by my supervisor..
I came so hard my entire leg seized. Her blowjob gave me a Charlie horse.
Do you think it's illegal to drive without your pants on?
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