Bridesmaid dress fitting. I look like a Weeble and Michelle looks like Malibu Barbie. I have to keep reminding myself that she has herpes so really, the playing field is more level than it might initially seem.
I know im too high when i think porn has an interesting story line.
If I had a penis, I would stick it EVERYWHERE. I don't know what these guys are doing.
Apperanlty I was screaming "It's hard to swim with a broken ankle sir" and then tackled the lifeguard. The joys of blackouts
Someones grandma was rubbing my back. I'm way too high for this.
since you saved your number in my phone as "the hot chick you met last Friday" I don't know who you are either
I think he's in need of mouth to penis resuscitation. Which I happen to be certified
I just want to curl up with him and brush his hair and sing love songs together, I think you should come over and end this
me blowing you awake is the exact turn i want our relationship to take
I can't believe he just friend zoned me like that.
Dude, you're not even gay.
Your boyfriends underwear are hanging from my kitchen window. Where the fuck are you?!
Cancun blessed me with a drinking problem
She was way too drunk so I dropped her off at her house and smoked a huge blunt with her mom.
Just remember: We don't tell our English professor about our fetishes unless she specifically asks about them.
In other news, I tore a tendon in my hand from giving my boyfriend handjobs so that's how my day is going
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