He finally told me that he's married. I guess it doesn't really matter.
Why would I want to inherit a sex machine used by my grandma?
um i just went through the in-n-out drive thru and meant to ask for my cheeseburger animal style. turns out what i actually said was, can i get that cheeseburger doggy style? been a rough weekend.
next time the cops show up in riot gear we should probably leave
and miss being on the news....no way
It would be been irresponsible not to make cleaning the apartment into a drinking game
just looked in the mirror, I fell asleep with a face mask on. At least drunk me cares that much about the condition of my skin
FYI I'm about to upload a vid of you to facebook of you screaming "SNACK ATTACK" and throwing cheetos at everyone playing pong...
She made a roadhead CD. Can I marry her?
Have you seen Dave? He's not on top of the bar anymore but I found his shirt.
I gave the guy a $20 tip on a $9 cab ride, he thought I was just bad at math but I was really just incredibly thankful to be alive and home.
I was like "don't worry, I'm a math major and you deserve the shit out of that 222% tip"
She showed up after 3 hours and proceded to make us all feel like resonable human beings. I dont know how she did it but she did it.
I was so hungover at work I had my shirt on backwards. I had no idea how I managed to get through today puke free.
I think getting right with the Lord should involve more than me and a bottle of tequila.
I'm not just straddling the line between love and hate, I'm dry humping the shit out of it
just threw up in a gas staton parking lot in front of a father and son. stared them in the eyes and finished like a boss
Randomize
