I just got invited to go home with a married couple...
her fupa was seducing me. this is the last time i'm doing shrooms.
wait so...it's like an actual thing to masturbate using the detachable shower head? WTF I thought I was being creative!
she gave me a handjob in the middle of the night and my stomach growled so she walked out totally naked and came back 5 minutes later with two sandwiches. who the fuck says getting married is awful?
All I know is that if a letter starts with "I'm aware you jerked off in the bathroom last night," I don't want to finish reading it.
This is what happens when wu tang raised you
Bar selfie Saturday turned into bar nudie Saturday in a hurry. I need to delete my snapchat...
"YOU ALWAYS BEEN A HOE YOU ALWAYS GONE BE A HOE. THAT'S JUST THE WAY IT'S GONE BE." overheard at temple
You rubbed a frozen pizza in my face. The concerning part was that it was semi cooked from our body heat
my whole wardrobe smells like substance abuse
If I were better looking, this would be the point where I'd resign myself to stripping.
Donated a pint of blood at 6 and pub crawl started at 7. Thank your lucky stars I'm still alive today.
I've been drunk texting you for weeks, and you watched me puke outside your house... I say it's time we meet in person.
I would offer you moral support, but I have questionable morals..
Dude I left his house at 5:30 a.m. after you peed on his front door and then tried to fight me for my blanket. Don't even do that at my house or I will end you.
hahahahaha. Worst. Text. Ever.
Randomize
