i guess i finally out drove tiger woods this morning..
She was really sick last night--but i was too drunk to bring her chicken noodle soup after the bar, so went by taco bell and got her a chicken burrito instead
i wish i could tell you the night didnt begin with me drinking alone
no. you're not making a beach trip out of my abortion.
We are doing handstands and somersaults in the pool. With an inflatable beer pong table and our regular beer pong table. We're ponging by land and by sea
Just bought a breathalyzer and Sharpies, guess who thought of a new drinking game
My date just wheeled me home in a shopping cart but it was normal
So last night I learned something new. Whenever I drink beer out of a bottle a random guy buys me another one. It was like as soon as the glass hit my lips every guy in a 20ft radius got a hard on.
Apparently she has a 10 week old kid, which would explain the hallway effect I was feeling.
I'm on the bus, watching a girl shush her balloons.
It's okay I missed my booty call by two whole minutes so I decided to delete him from my phone and then re-add him as "I am a douchelord"
Haha. Maybe he's one of those feminine men who fucks like a god then makes you fantastic crepes afterwards
How is it possible that I'm still a virgin and you've managed to have sex in a cheetah print onesie TWICE
I'm not sure why he thinks weird that I masturbate AND look at pinterest at the same time.
He told me he loved me...but added "you crazy bitch" at the end. Does it still count???
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