What's wrong?
Long week. Sore muscles. Bad back. Hangover. Mini-keg. Crazy ex-wife. Unavailable love-interest. Dead celebrity families. Republicans.
Pussy.
Just saw the true definition of the muffin top and camel toe all on one person at the DC zoo... Tried to take a pic but she got away..
...she just doesn't genetically have the things I want my kids to have.
Hey, you guys have all had chicken pox, right?
Change of plans I'm coming home and shotgunning all the beer we have.
Would you get mad if I held a "how many dick pics can you get in one night" competition with my friend?
im starting to recognize places in this city by where i have drunkenly peed in public
Should I have a moral quandary about Skyping topless with him while his son slept in the other room?
You know what's worse than asking for the morning after pill? Asking for the morning after pill in a sketchy hospital in a foreign country where no one speaks English.
Yea, she's 42 I'm 23. Girls our age are terrible. All they need is a divorce and a bottle of wine
I sobered up and saw I was with the fat one and you had left laughing with the hot one. You're a terrible wingman, but an excellent manipulator
I ate pizza in bed, sans pants, and then carved a pumpkin. FUNCTIONING ADULT MOTHERFUCKERS!
I just put Gatorade in my wine, cause electrolytes, you know.
A huge penis doesn't warm the soul. Or that's what I've had to tell myself.
I'm pretty sure that my eyebrow is going to be swollen from a sex injury tomorrow and possibly a black eye. If it forms that way it wiil be the second time. Different eyeball. Different decade.
Randomize
