mornings like this make me wish i was morman.
Watching marley and me... this girls got me whipped man
Went to the doctors. She saw my " I love beer" tattoo. All she said was " My drunken tat is of just one word. "Cornnuts.". Then said Mexico was "awesome." And sent me on my way. Yeah. She's my favorite doctor.
I'm sorry I kept calling last night when you wouldn't pick up. I'm REALLY sorry I sang "You Oughta Know" on more than 4 voice mails.
thinking back, the fact that our bartender was missing a finger shouldve been hint number one not to let him pick our drinks
Idk. I woke up marinating in beer on my beanbag. Idk what you mightve done.
He insisted that I looked like Kiefer Sutherland, told me he didn't know what to do about it, then hugged me awkwardly.
after she pushed someone down the stairs to get more vodka we lost her for a while and found her on the pole in the garage pouring water on herself
He's drinking 50/50 vodka/water out of a camelback. Disaster would be a compliment at this point.
You called a girl at 4:30am to tell her "your pussy is my top priority" while simultaneously Urban Spooning late night cafes.
These freshman guys were trying to holler at me from their window, and I realized about 20 minutes too late that the best possible reaction at that time would've been screaming "FLACCID PENIS". Oh, and I found this awesome zombie charm bracelet you would love.
apparently I like to do this thing where I wear pretty dresses and then pee on things on public. Picture proof. Four times last week.
your were asleep with people making out on top of you. you didn't even look bothered by it.
Firstly: alligator costume is happening anyway. But I'll see what I can do about the balls.
Can you please venmo me emergency money? i have no pants.
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