Whenever he makes me dinner its always mini things.. cheeseburgers, corndogs.. is he preparing me for something?
I have show me your genitals stuck in my head. Except in spanish. Muestrame tus genitals. Tus genitals.
I owe all of my success to double stuf oreos and weed.
I will never swim in a flooded basement again..
when someone at the bar asked you a question all you knew how to say was "chug-a-lug"
Well I don't know him that well so I don't think I can give advice. You should make him a cake. Or have sex with him.
Everyone was trying to get you to do a keg stand but you refused & instead declared you could do it yourself, crouched on the keg in your 6 inch heels, leaned over, and gave yourself one.
There's a certain feeling that only comes from wearing pearls to hide hickeys
What if everything solid was made of oreos and everything liquid was wine
I just got chills
Girl re-adjusts bra, no one bats an eye. I re-adjust nuts, everyone stares.
I also woke up on my floor. Naked. On a pile of clothes. With my head in the trash can. And a sheet over me.
I remember you fighting a small man for the last of the pizza. Was there a midget in my house last night?
The hotel had a helipad. Of course we had sex on it.
What am I supposed to say? "Hey remember last spring when I did an ergonomic assessment on your office, well here's an ergo for your dick."
Girl behind me in line at CVS was getting impatient then outta nowhere blew up shouting that if she didn't get her plan B soon she might be a mom and that if we couldn't tell she'd be a horrible mom
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