it was like playing where's waldo with your underwear
I couldn't walk, so he carried me all the way home; and then I told him that I wasn't drunk enough to fuck him. Poor kid.
I want her autograph on my taint
I feel like my teeth are caked on with other teeth. What did I just smoke?
I just bought the ATT family protection plan so that I could block all of my old bar hookups from booty calling me...
Kegstand on crutches, you need to get on my level.
I love it. Like, more than my penis at the moment.
The bartender just legitimately thanked me for breaking the cycle of speed metal by playing mmmbop.
i don't think that has ever happened before in the history of man
If I have to masturbate more than twice a week you fail as a fuck buddy. Just so you know...................you failed
Pack light, we're going straight to bar from the train. No place to put our shit.
Dude all I'm bringing is my dick and a phone charger.
that's the first time I've heard "shenanigans" and "apocalypse" in the same sentence
I woke up with my wool blanket soaking wet on the dorm room floor, and my sweatshirt hanging on the shower door down the hall. So basically my camp-out-in-the-bathroom idea didn't turn out as planned
You know i love you, but i just cannot fuck you until your eyebrow grows back. It's too hard not to laugh.
it was like reliving my childhood drunk at a bar.
Remember when you brought a guy home from the bar... to our parents house.... on thanksgiving eve?
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