OMG I just tried to text you something dirty but accidentally texted the obama campaign
Also I am about to cut a ringtone from "Sex Machine" so James Brown can tell me to "get up, get on up" in the morning
I once woke up to the scream from 'get up offa that thing' and smacked my head on my desk
Are we still dressing up as garden gnomes for halloween?
No. I would like to get laid again before I graduate.
I don't know how God could bestow someone that emotionally confused with such an awesome penis.
Question: would asking the hot guy from the grocery store to "beer me" his number be a poor decision?
Well anything after a French guy would have been a disappointment. But I'm fairly certain he was just trying to masturbate into me.
I know. I told you I'm a mess. She had weird nipples. I almost lost an eye to one.
Dude. Get me out of here. I'm surrounded by glitter-faced 40 year olds in halter tops. The desperation here is so thick you can taste it.
Who spent today in nothing but a vajazzle and candy thong? SORRY NOT SORRY
so i ran into nick. i may be more gay than anticipated
Woke up, moved an empty handle of fireball to spit blood, then put the morning cigarette out in it.
I got stoned and explored ice caves with a guy who photographs dildos for a living. I win.
His whole street is under construction. Third walk of shame this week & I'm getting a lot of sympathetic nods from the workers.
Your grandma changed her Netflix password :(
I paper cut my nipple reading mail topless
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