so i slept on a park bench last night...no hobo
Did I get blown in the bathroom? Yes. Did she throw up cranberry juice on my shorts? Yes. Did she finish the job? Yes.
Tonight's Jeopardy categories were "Star Trek, Action Figures, Dinner For One, In Need of a Date, Still Living With Mom & Dad, You Have No Life." Beginning to think my life is the Truman Show.
sorry I didn't call you. I had your number saved as "girl that offered bj but didn't follow thru".
My brother just put in eyedrops to talk to my mom on the phone
I don't care if there's a party or not. I just want to be half naked in a cape with a never-ending supply of alcohol within arm's length at all times. Make it happen.
I don't text first unless I'm hammered...so ya I text first a lot
You're a five foot adderall and caffeine fueled ball of sexual frustration and suppressed rage. It's only a matter of time before you snap. We're taking bets on when.
Got dumped. Now accepting nominations for my extra Dave Mathews ticket. No xboyfriends. Must cast final votes by Monday. Good luck everyone
In all honesty the person most likely to secretly slip me drugs would be ... Me
I just saw someone dressed as a bear leave your house on a motorcycle. I guess you guys are having a good time.
Walked into the bathroom and saw a Minion eating out Harley Quinn so this Halloween will be hard to top.
He fucked me in one of the back rooms at the club then gave me an altoid. I have mixed feelings about it still.
HOW THE FUCK IS IT POSSIBLE THAT THE JUNIOR HIGH STUDENT IS BETTER AT BEING AN ADULT THAN I AM!?!?
So this morning everyone commended me for puking over the porch. No one else made it that far...
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