then my best friend's brother, boyfriend, and future bro in law showed up at the bar. they asked who i was there with. didn't know if "a 40 year old man" or "my 5th grade teacher" was better answer.
we ike ciroccccc we love patroneeeee shost shothosthsothosthostsssss veryboyddddyyyy
go home
she asked me what the final straw was. i had to tell her i caught him jerking off to digimon porn. i don't know what i'm more upset by, that he was masturbating to cartoons, or that he was masturbating to sub-par cartoons
The album was titled "Best Night Ever" until she found out she was preggers and switched it to "God Punishes Sluts"
im contemplating emailing my dad and telling him how worthless i am and how sorry i am that he pays for my life...aka my bar tabs.
He told me he finished so fast because he's a sprinter. I hate athletes who are really just pussies.
So, do you ever feel like EVERY SINGLE ONE OF YOUR FRIENDS IS INVOLVED IN A MASSIVE AND INTRICATE CONSPIRACY TO COCKBLOCK YOU AT ALL COSTS?
Remember when we had a keg, and then another 5 cases... and like 30 people drank it all?
Everything hurts.
It was like bizarre-o star trek. I shamefully went where every man has gone before.
It's amazing how not interested in talking to him I am since I've decided that he probably has chlamydia.
I have a new favorite bar game. It's called, get dressed up and go drinking alone then make up random stories of why you are alone to look less like an alc
What do you take me for? I'm not trying to lure you into bed with stories of my dead aunt.
Can you send me the pic of me puking with a quesadilla on my shoulder
Im sorry you'll never get the feeling of closeness when you go to pee outside and you realize you're peeing right where someone else just peed
We just fucked in the park on a bench and a guy with a dog walked past us and the dog walked right up to us while the guy stared at his phone.
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