where am i from again
Someone just asked me to go to the dining hall for dinner and he will use one of his swipes to pay for my meal. i think this is a college version of a date
i just farted in the library and heard some girl yell it was sulfur gas. can. not. move.
What? Cold floors are soothing when you have a hangover. How am I supposed to pass that up. Even if I'm at my parents house
My motherly instincts are overcoming my slutty ones
Became best friends with the hotdog stand creeper outside the bar. Cried and told him my feet hurt too much to walk home then begged him to hire me.
I feel more comfortable going down on her then actually kissing her.
Also, my phone autocorrects ENABLER to all caps. I think I drunk text the word too often.
Her name means "flower that enlarges and gives birth." There is no way she isn't getting knocked up
You gave me balls I gave you half a boob. Fair trade
I felt like a personal hot pocket and all I could taste was cigarettes.
On a separate note, I just found out some condoms aren't vegan. Problem.
Hahahaha I can't wait for you to ask "wait. are there any animal by products in that?"
Tomorrow is my bachelor party. If I die tomorrow, please know I graded you a "check" as a sister. "Check-minus" when you got mouthy.
I started keeping track of my period when I realized you had a better grasp of it than me.
OHMYGOD YOU REALLY THINK I'D BE ON OPRAH?!
Randomize
