I think I breastfed the cat at some point during the night, at least that's what my nipples are saying
I'm in the grocery store cradling a box of wine like it's my firstborn, so of course this would be the first and only time I've ever seen my boss outside of the office.
the cool security guard showed me the video clip of how i sat criss-cross-applesauce on the elevator for 20 minutes last night
I just keep sniffing it hoping for an explanation.
Drunk me thinks I can light up a cig anywhere, sober me finds this hilarious and highly irresponsible. The grocery store is not a bar.
Ugh I just wanna make an announcement like: Attention high school classmates: if we haven't spoken in 5 years, we don't need to start now. Please be on your way
Worst part of blacking out... Waking up and having to do the teeth check
Be proud. All I did last night was roll around in my nun costume selling drugs. I love Halloween.
Btw. U, me, male strippers, beer. Gonna happen. We could totally get TNT from like u know TNT places
I was dancing with a blow torch in one hand and a bowl of weed in the other
Lmfao. We asked what you wanted to eat and you said vagina. I don't care what kind. Fresh, barbecue, roasted on a camp fire. I just want it on my taste buds.
I don't know how to reply to him. 'I'm glad the ecstasy my friend tricked you into taking wore off'...? It just doesn't seem sincere
Need a Dr's note to excuse me from blowjobs for 3-6 weeks while my jaw heals..
I'm too pretty to go to jail. Especially in Louisiana.
long story short, he tried to fuck me standing up, toppled over, and now I have four stitches next to my eye
Randomize
