I Once took so much Ecstacy that I tried to hug a fire.
this dieting is killing me...just started drooling watching a dog food commercial
My body has become completely dependent on Text Twist. I can't poop without it.
So I'm at planned parenthood and there are 5 people here from Friday's party.
who were those guys at the table sniffing dryer sheets?
Just showered now I smell like berries instead of shame
Just replaced the batteries in my vibrator without turning on the lights. I need to get laid.
His hands kept asking for sex, but all I could think was "dude, this is going to ruin my high".
These fuzzy pants work great for sleeping, taking an exam, getting baked and watching the hobbit. I guess i'm not changing pants for 72 hours.
I'm not gonna lie. The only reason I haven't drank a whole bottle of crown tonight is because we only had 3/4 of a bottle left.
you threw me on the ground pryed my purse out of my hands screaming " I JUST WANNA HOLD IT A LITTLE BIT". later i found you putting on my lip gloss.
I'm not sure when I will get off this toilet at work but it's not looking promising
Jesus when did you leave my house? I found 2 bottles of wine, vodka, and a book with blow all over it wondering if I was read bedtime stories
Sometimes a man just deserves to get woken up with a blowjob.
You know the story of the boner party, right? They got stuck in the mountains and ate each other?
It was the Donner party... boner party was the porn version...
Randomize