He lasted like 30 seconds. With a condom. I just expected more from the president of a frat.
I'm tuning in to watch Heidi Montag crash and burn on the Miss Universe Pageant. Somebody call 911. and I'm not talking about the Sean Kingston song.
I told him I would sleep with him if he could name all the colors of the wind.
Is there a zoo near here? I need to see some penguins like right now..
I am not bailing you of of jail
He turned down a handjob. A HANDJOB. I know I'm no Jessica Simpson, but...
Actually, she's fat now, so...
Fuck. I AM Jessica Simpson.
Ever have a day where u just waNna wake up get a blow job eat food and chill I just want today to be that day
We just for robbed for the second time. I believe the only thing I have left to my name is my $75 dildo
best. trip. ever. this is going to be too much fun. petland isnt going to know what hit them.
I'm walking home wearing Kermit the frog footie pajamas, carrying a monogrammed shot glass set with my name on it. It's fucking Christmas!
He refused to pierce my nipples, saying they are the best he's ever seen and that blemishing them would be a crime
If I don't go to Australia I'm using that towards a new car. If I do I'll use it to buy a koala.
No it was good. I serenaded the holding cell occupants with a fabulous rendition of Making Love out of Nothing at all. It was fucking amazing!
No piss test, hell yeah
FALSE ALARM. PISS TEST. I NEED YOUR PISS.
Never ever make a tattoo bet. I now have a shamrock on my dick.
THIS THING HATES MY LIVER
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