Sometimes I think its so cool that a dick that has been inside kate moss has also been inside me. So exciting.
All I know is it had something to do with a plunger and tuna salad. I'm done. I'm quitting my job.
my mom noticed the "toothpaste" stain on my tshirt...she repeatedly attempted to get it off by licking her thumb and rubbing it. See Jenn it obviously doesnt taste that bad...
Shes been standing with her arms crossed in front of the mirror for 45 minutes...she told me she's "getting sober"
This girl can open a bottle without using her hands and she's 21. She meets my standards
He asked me to coffee and I had no choice but to be honest. So naturally I told him that sobriety and monogomy are not two of my strong suits.
I miss the days of selfishly blowing a load in the condom without her knowing and acting all like "we shouldn't do this" so she would get dressed and leave.
May the one with the liver that just won't quit win
im just laying in bed, eating, getting fat, enjoying eating and getting fat, thinking about how i will probably have to get a fat boyfriend.
I almost took a picture but it looked like he might have a shank and I'm just not at a place in my life where I could handle having tetanus
The holidays are too long. I always run out of adderall before I run out of family. you got any left?
Not even official and he's cleaned my puke twice. His hotdog skills are an added bonus. I've got a keeper
Do you remember the bathroom attendant when he put out his hand for a tip and you gave him a high five?
I CALLED IT A FRIENDSHIP. NOT A I WANT YOUR MAN PARTS IN MY LADY PARTS-SHIP.
I just wrote a self loathing message to self, wrapped my credit card in it, put it in an envelope, sealed it with another hate messame, and put it in my lock box. So. That's where I'm at.
Randomize
