bobby jindal makes me wanna cover my ears. you make me wanna smile.
You're the unicorn of the gay community. Unbelievable and unattainable.
you kept slapshing your drinks on people saying the power of christ compels you.
Whenever you feel bad about your life, just remember the time I tried to swim while high and thought for a minute I was genuinely drowning
I hope I bought a crossbow. Also I need to not drink that much
She is just sitting by the bathroom like a little puppy waiting for a knight in shining armor to take her in there to fuck her. New low?
Eye surgery went well. Just can't believe it took getting lasers through my eyes to temporarily stop the vivid sex dreams I was having
Haha its fine we ask know it. He's still cool thought
Focus on the keyboard man. Focusssss
Update: That guy is no longer in the restroom, so he's probably not dead.
The holidays are too long. I always run out of adderall before I run out of family. you got any left?
Went to take a shower. Brought my wine, forgot my towel.
He literally stole all the change that was on my floor and ran away while I was peeing. I have to rethink my standards.
My roommate just threatened to kill me with my own pan. Can I ever get away from the crazies?!
When you're as high as I am right now brushing your teeth is both magical and fucking terrifying
We played wedding bingo. I made out with the maid of honor and fucked one of the bride’s sorority sisters. But I needed to get with the groom’s cousin, a mother-in-law to be, or the wedding planner to win and I came up short.
Randomize
