.....then i was kicked out of my work christmas party......
Listen, i'm watching playoff hockey and eating waffles. i just don't have time for your drama today.
It never fails.. every time I have a dick in my mouth he calls me.
If a video of someone that looks like me banging that chick on the hood of her car in some parking lot suddenly shows up on the web... let me know, I gotta see how that turned out.
She only spoke Russian, but she was so gorgeous it didn't matter
Oh. I think she ate all the cake and took our vodka...still gorgeous.
Come over so we can have two person sex in this one person tent
Thank you for caring about my cervix.
Figured out why that fly won't leave. It keeps buzzing through my weed smoke
Fly high, Fly.
I was driving around a golf cart with a keg in the back before I got caught by the cops. First slow speed chase ever
Wall of shame with a backpack full of beer bottles, cowboy hat in hand, and a handlebar mustache. I was applauded by a passing car
My only contacts are booty calls or the club hockey team.
I left the office with a vacuum, 2 condoms and 300 dollars cash money. Tell me I don't have the most versatile job on the planet.
Is it bad form to puke out of a dorm window to avoid looking bad in front of the people in your room?
How about from a sixth floor window?
She's not allowed to do acid anymore... she started crying because she thought she was an eagle.
I didn’t want to see that boob. I told her not to show me but she said “no, I’m going to show you”
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