Did you see Brett Michaels get knocked on his ass?
Hurt me personally.
Knocked his cowboy hat off... Bandanna was still good though
you drew a penis with ranch dressing. tried to take a picture of it and dropped your phone in it. Then made moaning sounds while you licked it off.
Thanks for the drunken voicemail of bird calls. Love and miss you, too.
Your mom just threw up on me. Please come home.
I'm silent, like a masturbating ninja.
He bought segways. We ride them when we get drunk. Last night he ran through the sliding glass door.
i miss freshman lecture halls much harder to take shots in a class of 20
Not to mention I think lunch is a little inappropriate when our relationship is only based on Mario kart and alcohol so far...
I immediately retract my statement involving hylecopters being allowed to blow up sharks out of the water.... The idea if it is super incredible but ultimately it would be cruel and unessesary
I gave him morning sex, a bag of cookies, and dropped him off at work. I believe I deserve the "best hookup award."
You know you turned your life around when your drunk eating salad at 3 am on a Friday night
I just realized I haven't looked at our horoscopes lately. If mine says anything about tweakers, I'm burning my phone.
Oh shit oh shit oh shit.
BURN THE PHONE.
Well I thought I saw everything and then I saw Christmas themed poop bags at Petco.
Slept with a member of the band last night, found out today after extensive stalking he’s engaged. Pro tip: don’t research one night stands.
my roommates gone so i can take codeine and sleep naked
Randomize
