I gotta feeling the economic climate has killed the housewife market
miscarriage! now THATS a gift from god.
One of the cleaning ladies on my floor just screamed from the bathroom
He got about halfway through singing "Drift Away" before he passed out and broke my coffee table.
I think I explained what happened in the voicemail. But I think I might have just cried and ranted about how cool osiris shoes are
The girls we hooked up with were hammered, pushing each other in a shopping cart into the sushi place and through the restaurant... One's a volunteer EMT. God help her patients.
We thought she was passed out on the toilet, but she raised her head to tell me the word I couldn't remember was "empathize." Then she puked blood and passed out.
You woke up, laughed, proceeded to throw up on me and then passed out again.
I've literally already typed in by booty call text for friday night. all I have to do now is wait for is drunk me to press send
I am trying to take a picture of a man in a wheelchair trying to ship a michael jackson portrait
You were upset that she was flirting with your boyfriend so I thought the best game plan was to show her my boobs and get her to make out with me instead. I am the greatest friend on absinthe.
My sheer presence has sent the hipsters running in terror. I expect no problems.
It's 5am and I come home to you naked on the kitchen table and 3 people I never saw before fucking on the back porch ... and my weed gummy worms are gone. fuck you I'm taking your mom's offer
He started humming a moment like this when I was taking off his pants.
I just got a text from a stranger offering to shave my asshole. I've been sober and out of town for a week, are you using my number as a dial-a-dumping again?
Randomize
