I haven't shaved so I have to behave myself. I'm going to do this from now on.
epic walk of shame this morning involving 2 subway transfers. I need to start sexing locally.
she was so "full of love" from watching twilight that she came over and gave me a handjob. when does the next movie come out?
this kid just offered me adderall in exchange for my meal points. college at its finest
I hated hipsters before it was mainstream.
Just wrote the directions to get to the girls house im hooking up with on the back of my marriage certificate. Officially worst husband ever.
I think I just accidentally agreed to become a surrogate for a gay couple
I found my phone outside under the leaves by the curb. What the fuck did I do last night
I love you like a cupcake loves an overweight child, very similar to the mannerisms of a whole cake but personal, and minus the commitment issues, plus just the right amount of icing; not to mention the convenience of mobility, and only a smidgen of the guilt😘
Mom said you looked used
God I love incriminating evidence...wonder what the statue of limitations is on shitting on someones driveway
I had to watch them play Salty Cracker. I have never seen a grown man cry with a boner before
Sometimes I feel like I should become a beautician purely for my ability to shave pretty shapes into my pubic hair.
Decided to make myself tequila gummy bears but got impatient and just drank the bowl of tequila.
So he has moved up to a stage 5 clinger...Surprised he didn't try to lure you into bed with tacos, like he did last time
Yeah... akward. I don't want a round 2
Randomize
