Can you tell me how this chicken finger got in my pillow case?
His wife found out about our affair the same day he got fired for it.
I'm skyping with my parents and reading Cosmo articles on giving great head. I'm on a roller coaster that only goes up, baby.
And I swear to god I'll divorce you if you so much as say a single sentence in Yoda talk in our bedroom. I may be a nerd but that's just fucking creepy
I swear to God, if you drunkenly correct my grammar one more time, I'm cutting you off.
I feel as though sleeping all day due to the effects of prescription painkillers paid for by union insurance made this the most American day ever for me
Remind me to tell you a really funny story about me and arson.
I think he's hit rock bottom. You know it's a low point in life when you cry because you weren't invited to sit in a box car and watch porn with two other straight dudes.
"you can only have my number if you answer all the questions on this trivial pursuit card correctly"
I lost a shoe at the club last night, I think that's when I decided to go home.
Do me a favor and don't mention him I feel like Regina George and I just want to scream I made him
I feel worse lying to the guy I hooked up with than I actually do for cheating on my bf
Seriously, you just banged the guy that wishes his dog happy birthday on fb. That's fucking adorable!
all I know is that I was naked, and there were cheeto puffs everywhere...
His wife found the thong I “forgot” in his glovebox
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