Jesus wouldn't steal pop tarts. So why did you?
This cookie i'm eating tastes like pizza. It was so worth contacting my sister for pot.
I never thought that I'd ever use the phrase "and the resulting ice cream explosion" seriously at work...
after eating me out, he asked for something to drink. i gave him a glass of water and he said he needed something stronger.
You are the only person I know that goes to a bar enough to charge your iPhone there....
Taking shot for every red box on your worst bracket. I have 30. I might die tonight.
Somehow I magically turned down a threesome last night. On my birthday. You're a horrible wingman.
remind me to get a blood sugar test this week. I'm pretty sure I'm a mojito away from diabetes.
if masturbating while stoned isn't called "weed whacking" then i just don't know how to live my life anymore
I'm really sorry that I blew your friend in your bed, but to be fair he started it.
Just thinking about this summer makes me feel a slight tingle of an orgasm mixed with a twinge of regret as the cold ghostly feeling of multiple hangovers creep into my body.
dude, i just accidentally flashed your mom. BIG TIME.
Do you think my laundromat will notice that the bloodstain on my sheets is in the shape of a face?
Thinking and hoping ice cream is the answer to my problems
Just boned her on my desk. on top of my term paper. take that professor dipshit
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