I'm upset that MJ died and all but waking up to his face on my HDTV in the middle of the night while half-asleep is pretty much the scariest fucking thing ever.
Now there are two cop cars. If I go to jail I just would like to thank you for making me wear boxers.
bro im too drunk for your spanish code words. did you fuck her or not.
Watched a women out our tannin salon literally fight police because she was getting arrested for trying to drunkenly fight the tanning salon owner...we need to step up our day drinking this is shameful.
Think they will judge us if our pre drink is a kiddie pool of jello shots?
Either there is a god and he hates masturbation, or one of my roommates stole my vibrator while I was in the shower.
You should make cookies and when I get home we can have a slow motion hug and eat them
I just don't know about this life anymore. Quite frankly I think I belong up there in the great blue, lounging on a cloud sippin tea with Jesus
i'm teaching a bunch of people how to grow weed over snapchat. no shame.
So yes we had an orgy last night and I sucked your tits while you fucked my husband but I am weird about sharing my toothbrush.
There's tequila in my general area. Please pray for me.
must go to store soon wiping with panty liner ugh
I made out with a 40 year old and told her we were dating then got kicked out of a gay bar. This is the day I stop drinking.
How did I end up with the cock ring?!
I do very much feel like vomiting. and I have no idea where that lighter came from. thank you for coming to my TED Talk.
Randomize
