Billy Mays is dead too!
Somewhat annoying American icons better be watching their backs
Tipsy and thinking of you. Talk tomorrow. My alliteration is awesome.
Girl just texted me a pic of her boobs with the caption "don't think I'm a whore"
I should never bitch about not getting laid. He's begging me to come over and I'm saying no because I'm watching a Golden Girls marathon.
Sitting on the floor in my kitchen eating taquitos. Being this drunk the next day has lost its allure post graduation.
His apology was sex and a subway sandwich. Strangely, I'm okay with that.
My shoe was in my mailbox this morning. I can't stay sober today.
Just living on dreams and a bed of used condoms
Why is there broken glass in my purse?
You stole a snow globe. From your VP. Soooo...maybe don't put all your hopes on that promotion you were expecting
If by "Are you high?" u mean "Did you just pass out at Genghis Grill walking to your table and falceplant?" the answer is yes.
I asked to see his balls for medical purposes.
Day two of not drinking, I think my cat is trying to eat me.
Psychosis secondary to sobriety???
We need to borrow someone's dog. Just so we can non-creepily go to PetSmart and watch all the other dogs take photos with Santa
I just found three upside down bottles of grapejuice in a triangle around the air freshener above my toilet... I guess it was one of those nights
Although the guy I'm messing around with just offered to let me be his rich brother's sugar baby
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