I think my fart just growled at me.
Dude I'm drinking a martini out of a water bottle, I've become my parents.
sounds like you fell off the wagon.
fuck falling off. at this point, the wagon is a dot on the horizon.
Just had to explain to the nurse WHERE I have poison ivy. Great Day
I just decorated my birth control case with Lisa Frank stickers. If that doesn't scream 'I'm not ready for babies' I don't know what does.
Her pussy was so beautiful. That's what I'LL miss the most. Not the omelets. You're the roommate, obviously our priorities on this situation are vastly different.
I feel like I got run over by a bus full of inebriated Scotsmen on the way to a soccer riot.
BTW he text me to text him later after the concert to hang out. Im prepping my bed but I should know I shouldn't count my dicks before they hatch
getting busted for public urination is like, a step above j-walking. you'll be fine
I just realized that every possible way I walk to campus I walk by the house of someone I slept with
I just had sex on my divorce papers. I've never felt so poetic.
I was masturbating and a roofer walked past my bedroom window.
how do you feel about japanese?
I would eat half a street meat hotdog I found on the sidewalk, I'm good with anything.
Attention, i sprayed windex on me to disguise the scent of sex and regret off my clothes from last night
Your dick is the only reason I have motivation to come back to school today
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