i just got so high i needed a buddy system to the kitchen
Currently standing on top of my parents leather couch with no pants on playing helicoptor with my penis. You?
All I remember from my 21st is crying because the bouncer made him put his shirt back on
You layed on my kitchen floor with a pile of m&ms at your crotch, said "your lightbulb don't match, is that one new?"
you read me verses from the beginners bible until my answering machine finally ran out of time and cut you off.
St Patricks Day is not the day you decide to have a sober epiphany.
I may have broken a few toes and my face hurts. I do know that I pissed the bed so at least I've got some closure there
i'm forwarding you the dirty picture of that fat girl that likes me sent . i feel like since youre my best friend you should puke in your mouth too .
I've reached the point to where my pre-gaming needs to be limited to pre-inning-ing
Just did a keg stand the dropped my phone in the toilet. Sorry for partying.
You did a keg stand on the toilet?!
There is a 97.5% chance that my sketchy roommate is also a hooker.
So when can I meet her?
He came over and fucked me while my conference call was on mute. Working from home is the best.
I've given up on the male species, I'm just going to be a lonely whore for the rest of my life.
I shouldn't have to tell you to stop throwing knives at me.
Alcohol and I aren't friends right now.
Randomize
