Do u think she knows her nickname is the oompa loompa
Tortellini makes me feel like I'm eating hundreds of little vaginas
My wrist bandage is guacamole stained. What an accurate representation of my life as a whole
She said I was the most selfish person in bed she's ever been with and she's fucked Tucker Max.
All I know is....there's beer in my camera. How do I know? Because I can pick up my camera,shake it and HEAR, the beer in it
He called me at two in the morning to tell me he was throwing the tiny Thor hammer at moving vehicles. Apparently he missed the guy on the motorcycle.
You always seem to be able to bribe me with tequila and Mac and cheese. This relationship of ours will cause me health problems someday.
Is it frowned upon to puke at Keeneland while you're betting on horses or is it just whatev
A man just sang Jennifer Lopez to me out his car window. I am not sure how I feel about this, but it is not positively.
I gotta give him props though, I've never been propositioned for sex via flash mob.
Riding your boyfriend's dick for an hour then waitressing for 8 hours. Would not recommend.
Right?? Give me some apple scented candles and I'm a fall wet dream
I offer naked tickle fights and orgasms and you call it trouble. I call that Christmas.
Just made a drug contact standing in the sandwich line in the dining hall. Is this real life?
You're my fucking hero.
So drunk me is not subtlety trying to get her boss to cheat on her husband and have a lesbian affair with me. Sober me is ok with that.
Randomize
