apparently farting at a cop is considered assault.
she definitely has that "I'll bang you, but then I'll tell your girlfriend" look to her.
im at planned parenthood. the form wants to know what our usual form of contraception is?
anal.
He picked me up from the airport wearing nothing but a trench coat and a bow on his dick
Being the only sober one.. I had to feed you guys doritos. You kept licking my fingers.
She's going to get me a sippy cup for christmas. If I can't open it, I can't have any more to drink. Seem reasonable?
corona bottle fell out of my backpack and broke in the middle of my physics midterm. yay me.
My new hangover cure is going for a haircut, just so the stylists give me a scalp massage during the shampoo.
That certainly explains the nine times your hair has looked different just this last month alone.
After i finished him. He goes "youre a champion"... Then whispers "forever"
It's like that thing with the devil and the angel except one shoulder has orgasms and the other has stuffed crust pizza and depression.
I'm just sitting here drunk and eating peas because my life sucks
Hypothetically - think of it as Schrodinger's blow-job.
For future reference: bathtub full of cheeseburgers = win.
how do you say “i know we haven’t hung out in a month, but i gave myself an amazing orgasm to your picture the other day” without coming on too strong
i had sex with a girl named after a fruit last night and it was the best thing to happen to me in 2020
Randomize
