the fundamentals of my vasectemy are strong
i asked a few people if they wanted to make pancakes with me but no one would. thats why i'm drunk by myself right now
No. I remember how loud you used to get. Trust me.
There's going to be a pool, lightsabers and alcohol. What could go wrong?!
You called yourself Captain Aspirin and then tried to cure my headache by shoving pills up my nose. Fuck you becoming a nurse, you can't take care of me while you're drunk ever again. Ever.
Happiness is the polar opposite of catching your dad watching holiday themed porn
He showed up in booty shorts and no shirt and said dont laugh dont ask questions and give me a fucking final and no one in class said anything we just sat there speehless
Haha I haven't even had my interview yet and I'm already trying to fuck my way to the top. 'Merica.
I would of joined had I not blacked out last night and ran around naked breaking things till 4 am
Today's goals: get day drunk then sober up in time for the walking dead tonight.
I just swiped right for a guy on Tinder solely because it looked like he was holding Zoboomafoo
I just wanna be euthanized
Thas it
Getting a UTI was SO NOT on my wishlist for the holidays
Dude, my back STILL hurts from carrying the team on BP last night.
he broke off the kiss to ask "can I grab your boob?" like props for asking for clear and concise consent but there HAS to be a sexier way to do it
Randomize
