I love her so much that if I could have sex with her I wouldn't cuz my dick would feel out of place in such a perfect body/vagina
i ordered 12 mcnuggets at mcdonalds and ended up getting 20. for free. miracles really do happen when your high.
He told me i had to sleep under his bed. He said it would be my castle.
I just went to pick up my pigeon from your house. You should be getting a picture soon
I never should have let my cousin and his pregnant girlfriend move in with me. I'm never having sex again. They scare off men more than 'my dream wedding' pin board.
This is a great bar, except you can't even randomly burst into song without them assuming you're drunk and cutting you off.
Due to certain anatomical proportions it was less like fucking and more like childbirth.
I needed 3am water. Not 3am shots of rum.
WEED IS MY SPIRIT ANIMAL
That one probably shouldn't have been in caps
Next year for Halloween you can be the sword swallower, with a penis shaped sword.
To celebrate the holidays this evening, I will be replying “FUCK YOU” to all my spam emails. Can’t tell you how excited I am
I woke up this morning to find my closet lacking 98% of my clothes and a text from my male roommate saying your dresses squeeze my genitals
Just found a pair of vomit-soaked socks in my purse, three days after the party... Now I know why my wallet was wet.
I call bullshit
Call it what ever you want I just need to figure out how to get permanent marker off my cock
Pillow talk was a high five, this morning she made dinosaur muffins for the house. I love chapel hill
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