I just tipped a bartender in xanax.
After 4 hours of foreplay he passed out and almost immediately peed in my bed. Naked. Like a fountain. Then tried to deny it in the morning by saying he just sweats a lot.
Just watched my manager erase "we've been 2 days wo an accident" and change it to "0" these ppl are too high.
ok, I understand that your bathroom door is broken, but at least close the blinds next time you take a shit. The entire parking garage just watched you.
Thanks for putting the blue stuff in the toilet, it made me throwing up this morning more enjoyable.
the realtor just asked me if i've ever made meth on this property.... i need to do something about my hair
PLEASE. I won't throw up on the floor this time. Or fuck in the bathroom. Or dance on the pool table. So PLEASE.
The packers need to win more often, Andrew keeps drunk calling me and confessing his undying love for me in between puking and taking more shots.
We went camping and met these lesbians and now I have S'mores where there shouldn't be S'mores.
My friend came into the apartment in real handcuffs at 4 in the morning. She was laughing and running around and then proceeded out the door...
There it is. Caramel-coated dick. Someone is getting a yeast infection later.
Went to open youtube this morning, and the last search was "ten hours of whale sounds" Best pillow talk ever!
Shut up. The only friend I need in life is Jim Beam because life is meaningless.
My chance to home wreck was right in front of me and I didn’t grab it by the balls
He lasted less than 30 sec. in bed and then sent me a friend request on LinkedIn. Wtf.
Randomize
