she started talking about my kids
was she topless?
She just used a turkey baster to transfer alcohol from the glass to the bottle. Just thought you should know
I'm going to get so drunk tonight, I actually feel bad about the 30 seconds of drunken awkward sex I'm going to have with one lucky fat chick.
How fortunate humanity is that it need not rely on the female orgasm for procreation
Just had to masturbate in the bathroom because mom changed my room into a "knitting" room. I hate coming home.
Carpeing THE FUCK out of that diem
You threw a shot glass at the bartender and still managed to convince him to let us drink more. You are my hero.
I be dancing. See you soon. You can drink tequila from my pants.
I think your dad took our porno
Ok. I'm gonna smoke some weed and look at some elephants without you then.
He texted me at 2am telling me to come get my American flag from his place, if that's not code for sex idk what is
I'm storing dick pics, so basically if I'm still single after residency...ur gonna get bombarded. It's gonna be a blizzard of dicks.
Feel free to keep your blizzard of dicks to yourself.
I wanna eat mushrooms and cuddle with a million dogs at once. I wanna know what heaven is like
he's like crack. I can't be in the same room with him while drunk and not do him.
My dog just blew me a kiss. First of all I'm stoned and second of all he's a pitbull. Those aren't sexual dogs. So wtf.
Randomize
