I like how you formally end text interactions, just turn your phone off or don't respond you pervert
I just ate 3 burrito supremes and a crunchwrap...can't feel feet...I think I have diabetes
This fat girl in front of me just got on the bus to go 2 blocks. Do you think she ever wonders why shes fat?
road dome is illegal, just asked in driving school.
Just met a girl...She is complaining why on facebook you can't have more then one "open relationship"
I dont know how i feel about her from a moral standpoint...
What's the appropriate way to phrase "If you ever leave your wife give me a call. But we can still have sex periodically until then."??
You lured him into the bathroom with a trail of jello shots, then proceeded to barricade the door with duct tape. You really should have thought that one through..
Purse pizza: the pizza you buy before the club, and you eat on the train home. I thought you knew me by now!
The best part about drinking boxed wine is you can blow up the bag and use it as a pillow
There are some sad choices of men in the ER. That one was missing teeth. Not the place to find a husband.
Being a slave to ur dick is exhausting.
My ex's psycho new girlfriend found my vibrator I forgot at his place. Apparently she didn't find it as funny as I did. 😂
You know you've found a good drug dealer when he's willing to overnight mail to you in another state...
He's a snuggler. Every time I attempt to make a move to find my bra he reigns me in. Needless to say i could be here a while.
Apparently karate chopping the fronts off all the paper towel and soap dispensers in the bathrooms isn't even frowned upon. Like even at the third bar when I fell flat on my back trying to jump kick the last one some guy just helped me up and high fived me. America.
Randomize
