Did you put 9lbs of birdseed all over my car?
You weighed it?
ok what kind of idiot turns down casual afternoon sex?
Not only did a random toaster end up in my house last night, it's also full of skittles.
My mom is such a hoarder. I found a deer candelabrum last night, it had antlers has candle holders. It was like a redneck menorah.
I get way too drunk to be trusted with family heirlooms
I'm riding in a wheelchair, being pulled by a golf cart. You need to be here.
He left his shoes, boxers and socks at my house & managed to walk home to his dorm without realizing anything was missing until 3 days after. That's the last time i'll ever hook up with a freshman.
Just me. You're probably having sex with her right now, so here's a reminder that you should be thinking of me per our agreement.
I found all these half eaten mandarin orange on the ground and the bruises on my neck are definetely not hickies
She touched my penis and started laughing. She did the same thing when she blew me.
I know he's gay. But if he touches my vagina I'm human centipeding his face. Sorry not sorry
Well, personally I like to keep my blackmail in well organised folders.
You know your Halloween costume is slutty when you have to shave your pubes to wear it.
it's 1:30pm and i'm eating cheese while i sext. i need hobbies
You'll probably laugh but I am currently in bed in the fetal position wrapped in only my ninja turtles towel. Save me.
Randomize
