I'm at subway, this 8 year old kid is judging my fashion sense with his dad. I want to kill myself.
It's ok, he's just 8, he's not judging you.
He just asked why I'm sitting alone. I honestly want to cry.
I can mark tailgating, going to the game and getting road head off my to do list today
Mango Malibu should win a nobel peace prize
Sometimes i wish my penis was detachable that way i could take it off sometimes so i wouldnt get into these situations
I five year old is judging me because I just opened a bottle of Sam Adams with my teeth before 8am
Because if not I was going to quote Ryan Lochte as punishment
Thank god I got my shit together
Getting stoned and sitting front row in a legal class.. Not my best idea
I decided to let him keep the rest of my good weed as an "I'm sorry for being a drunk ass ho" consolation prize.
So I don't know, I'm not a doctor, but I might be juggling dates with 3 different guys...
I wrote myself a letter, like I think drunk me wants to be pen pals or something
I love the barter system - he got laid and I got him to bring me some ibuprofen. A win-win really.
I was so drunk I got stuck in the middle of a revolving door
i just called dibs on the taxi driver at the bar that isnt drinking. im a grown up
ATTENTION: just found out of have strep. if we have had sex in the past week, might wanna go to the doctor. if you plan to have sex with me in the next 20 days go buy some condoms. stupid antibiotics.
The cl.oudds are foaming a really big pen.Is OMG.
Randomize
