its been so long since i'vebeen laid i've forgotten what a penis looks like. When a guy makes me hot i picture him finishing the job by whipping a multi-setting showerhead out of his pants.
i'm officially boycotting relationships. hello random hook ups and treating men like meat.
Theres a handprint of sauce on my frig, one streaked across my face, a trail of it to my bedroom and sauce all in my bed and i have no idea what the fuck i ate.
Getting your clit pierced is not something you want to trust to a crazy girl with an ice cube, some vodka, and a sewing needle. Trust me. I learned that the hard way.
I just gate-crahed a party and met a state senator, so I had an interesting afternoon jog.
reason #1 why i should never live alone: i haven't put pants on since she left 26 hours ago. and ive made spaghetti 3 times.
I found more straws in my beard this morning. Please stop doing that.
I brought her cheeseburgers and tequila but she's still mad at me.
I'm like a sensual ninja. You turn your head for a second and.... BOOM I'm naked. It's like a naughty magic trick.
He put a doughnut around his dick and I ate it. What can I say. It was a good fucking night.
Does fucking him in the back of the car with the sun roof retracted count as star gazing?
someone stole my phone at the bar last night, naturally, it led to me waking up in the bartender’s bed
It's just really funny to hear them talk about March for Life when literally every single one of those girls has had an abortion
He unofficially told me he deleted his tinder because of me. I think that’s a pretty romantic gesture in 2018
It's a testament to the kinds of spouses/parents we will be that we get so wasted but still show up to every class on time. We honor our commitments bitches!
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