Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
Bar. Show boob. Just one. Free drinks. Instant friends
Guys only need one. Little known secret. You're welcome.
you kept making us tell you how cute you looked in your new outfit, even after you threw up all over it
you had sex with a 30 year old who doesn't have a cell phone but does have an 8 year old son.
he's 29.
Do you how many people I've successfully loaded into a Mazda Miata? Six. Six people. How? Strategically.
Guess who left Professor Cunt on their paper by accident?
Rumble strips road head = magical
Someone left me hummas on my door step between the hours of 1am-3am
"Work from home" is code for "morning drinks" right?
I'm content with our "friends with accidental benefits" situation.
You stopped loving me for a minute.
You sent me "Is nap," I don't think that really counts as a conversation starter.
I lost all interest the day she banged that guy in the Amazon parking lot. That's a special kinda whore.
Hungover on St. Patrick's Day. I did this backwards.
Look at us. Planning our business meeting. Including snacks like shrooms & trail mix.
Protip if he licks the back of your knee and you reflexively kick him your game of 'lick the lady' is over.
Randomize
