I had new employee orientation at the YMCA today. I showed up with a hangover, a black eye, scratches down my arm, and a sore throat from puking gin and keystone.
The girl here has a popped collar. Can I slap her?
Yes. For all mankind please do.
I needed to borrow my dads nail clippers and next to it was an industrial size box of condoms if that wasnt bad enough I dropped the clippers behind the bed and discovered hundreds of used condoms
you want my honest opinion? I'm sure refering to her vagina as the "bat cave" was your first mistake.
she needs to learn to take compliments like she takes dicks.
I'm sorry. I really don't see what's wrong with pregaming before a wine tasting.This champagne won't drink itself.
The wine tasting is just for charity anyways...
Does your throat ever get sore from being choked too hard or do u think I'm just getting sick??
I walked in on you rubbing your nose all over his face while straddling him and yelling "I'M SO SORRY!" repeatedly. I'd say you were in pretty good shape at that point in the night.
Most men with as many freckles as you aren't vagina magnets. You are an exception to your kind.
Is cereal technically a soup?
Fuck, I'm high.
They ran out of toilet paper, so I had a girl rip down the streamers so I could wipe.
Also, I would just like to reiterate my apologies for tearing up in the grocery store.
At one point I was convinced he was a snake and was going to eat me And I just accepted it
Just so you know, I choose to answer your bootytext tonight because it was the most creative.
just threw up in a gas staton parking lot in front of a father and son. stared them in the eyes and finished like a boss
Randomize
