my boob sweat smells like rotting zombie flesh
is this your pickup line?
He wanted a quickie. I said, can I play doodle jump on my iPhone during? And that's exactly how it went.
why is it whenever you puke in the park there are always little kids on the swings?
She started ignoring us once we told her we were out to celebrate your abortion. Who knew strippers could be judgemental?
Currently trying to figure out if the guy has a cane next to me or brought a weird dildo to the bar
She lost her glasses and we found them on the roof. Don't ask questions. Kings cup was intense last night.
I can't believe I left out the part about him peeing on the side of Route 2 at 3 a.m. while wearing a dress.
Was considering going to moonshine but I think I'm just gonna stay home and drink beer because there is no law against partial nudity here.
I named my Roomba after my pot dealer. I have a problem, don't i?
Well I didn't know she was a dominatrix...so I kind of just went with it
You KNOW it was a good night when you find French fries AND taco remnants in your bra when you get home...
Uhmmmm is there really any way to tactfully ask "you into me jerking you off with my feet... or nah" cause if you find one let me know 😂
You yelled at me about a fork.
You probably deserved it, I'm very territorial about my cutlery.
5 am booty call not ok. The fact I actually went over definitely not ok. My vag needs to learn some control.
I just found two ugly toothless rednecks fucking in the woods in my backyard. The man shouted at me close the door your letting the stank out which made no sense to me cuz we where outside. Whatever. just another Monday in the Northwoods.
Randomize
