i just turned barefoot contessa into a drinking game. everytime she uses a knife butter or salt i drink.
Stop being a whore!!! Everyone can see!!!!
At chipotle, there's a bachelorette party starting out the night here, i'm going to let you imagine what the bride to be looks like
Can't wait to go see my drug dealers baby being born. He rolled all of the "it's a boy" cigars into blunts.
she's throwing a head of lettuce everywhere shouting HEADS UP and trying to get us to play catch with her. i'm scared.
Next guy we share better have a little more dignity than that
It was tug of war between me and the cop. He wanted the beer, I wanted the coozie.
I dont know, but the way you were flopping around and gurgling made me scared that you were actually drowning in the carpet.
I just wish I could congratulate your tits on how much I love seeing them
She just locked herself in the bedroom with an unopened bottle of wine and a steak knife. Unfortunately for her fingers, I stopped giving a fuck two hours ago.
He gave me the choice between a threeway with his best friend or a tiny turtle. Unfortunately I chose the threeway.
I'm pretty sure he's playing the harmonica in my shower right now. I just really need to pee.
Just so you know.. If you ever cheat on me, i will cut your dick and fingers off and post them as my cover photo on Facebook. Love you.
Just walked outside my house; realized I wasn't wearing any pants after about 3 minutes or so.
Drunk, high, hungover?
...I wish I had an excuse.
I couldn't have possibly been that bad
You had her flip the penny over to the lucky side before you picked it up and ate it...
Randomize
